


Despite Everything. You're Still You.

by tiny_gay_robot



Category: Senki Zesshou Symphogear
Genre: F/F, Graphic Description, I'm not fucking kidding with these tags, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, POV Alternating, POV First Person, POV Second Person, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:28:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,825
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26508988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiny_gay_robot/pseuds/tiny_gay_robot
Summary: Behind the eyes painted in stained glass, a heart slowly turns black.
Kudos: 9





	Despite Everything. You're Still You.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there. 
> 
> This fic deals heavily with explicit depictions of torture, PTSD, and a shit load of really heavy shit. Every tag you see up there is there for a reason. Do not read if you can't handle it.

Despite Everything. You’re Still You.

_I hate me._

You didn’t want to be the bitch to tell her she couldn’t come. You didn’t want to tell your best friend she could not go. You didn’t want to put your friendship through the fight that you two had. But you did. And she hated you then, and maybe she hates you even now, but that’s just who you were and who you have always been. 

If someone wasn’t willing to be the bitch, you’d have to be.

_I don’t want to be though, this all so stupid why can’t we please just get along?_

Charlotte and Nina had been at each other's throats, and when you found out that Nina’s boyfriend slept with Charlotte, you just knew it would be drama. Your other friends could have done it. They were not best friends with her. They could have told her that she could not come because Nina was still mad at her. Nina was paying for the trip after all, not you. When Charlotte was on the trip she had wanted all of you to go see a lot of the more historical sites, but Nina wanted to go to the clubs. You had to admit that you preferred Nina’s ideas. Not that it mattered.

“I fucking hate you!” Charlotte had screamed at you, in tears.

_Please don’t say that I’m just trying my best here, I don’t know what to do._

You felt bad then.

_God Charlotte I am so fucking sorry you were my best friend and I fucking threw it away._

You still do.

_I always will._

But you can take it.

_No I can’t_

Because.

_I’m a piece of shit who threw my best friend under the bus for a guy i don’t even fucking know._

Despite everything. You’re Still You. 

_I hate me._

So you packed your bags. You went to Nina’s. You listened to her sob her fucking heart out about whatever dipshit boy she fell in love with for the hundredth time. It was exhausting, and already you were missing Charlotte. But at the very least Tamara and Ema were going with you. Maybe you could have them help you keep your sanity. Maybe you could hang out with them more. Maybe you could sit next to Tamara on the train.

_Maybe she’d kiss me like she did before._

Maybe Tamara could kiss you.

_Please kiss me, it's the only reason I even wanted to go on this trip._

But the train ride is long. And Tamera doesn't kiss you. But it is such a beautiful country that you are blown away by it right away. You’re told to be careful. Especially with how much a pretty girl you are. Especially with the kind of clubs Nina wants to go too. But you have a wonderful hotel room, even if it is outside of the budget you had set out with, Nina insists it’s fine. 

_Nina god damnit I am not made of money why are you so inconsiderate?_

It’s not.

You weren't sure about going out the first night. But then you see the various people there, the atmosphere, the vibe, the scene, and it’s all so overwhelming. Bodies are close. Tamara is close. Alcohol is flying every which way. You want to touch someone, you want to be touched.

_Am I supposed to be this drunk? I don’t feel good. I hate being around this many people._

And then you see her.

_Oh my fucking god._

She’s beautiful. Those lips. Those curves. Those fingers.

_Oh my god please take me now._

And she’s looking right into your soul.

_Eat my soul lady succubi._

_I am yours for the ravishing_

She crosses the dance floor and she’s kissing you. And you’re kissing her. And for a moment you are in a whole nother world and everything is okay and you don’t think about Charlotte at all. You don’t think about Nina at all. You don’t think about the pill that rolls from her tongue to yours at all.

_No, no this is bad this is so bad what is happening? I feel so dizzy. I feel so sick. Why is like my head is on stilts? What the fuck is happening? Oh god am I gonna be raped?_

And then you don’t think at all. And then you do. And you are somewhere you have never been. You feel dirty. Cold. Hungover. You were drugged. Were you raped? Robbed? No.

_Mom..._

_Dad..._

_Help me. I’m scared._

Somehow that makes this even more terrifying.

_Mom I’m so sorry for when I didn’t kiss you goodbye before I left please mommy save me._

You don’t see Nina. You don’t see Tamara. You don’t see Ema.

_Daddy please your little girl needs you so much daddy please don’t let them hurt me please!_

You don’t see anyone for what feels like years.

_I’m gonna starve to death. I’m gonna fucking starve to death or get raped to death or something and oh my fucking god someone please save me I don’t wanna die! Please someone save me please please please!_

And then you do.

_No get away from me! Don’t touch me! Get off of me! Oh god! No! No! No!_

_They are gonna hurt me mommy please don’t let them hurt me oh my god oh my god!_

And you miss the silence.

_Mommy please just make it go away, I’m sorry I said you looked fat when I was seven! I’m sorry I didn’t do the dishes when I got home from school! I’m sorry I didn’t get a perfect report card! I’m sorry mommy! I’m sorry for everything mommy!_

They take you out.

_"I’ll give you anything! I’ll give you all my money! I’ll sleep with you! I’ll date you! Please just let me see my mommy and daddy again! Please just let me live! Please!"_

And they put you on stage like a trophy.

_TAMARA! NINA! EMA! Oh god what’s happening? Why is this happening? Who are these fucking people? What about our hotel? Are we gonna die?_

And you can see Nina, Ema, and Tamara. Just as terrified as you are. Looking petrified with smeared makeup and gags in their mouths.

_Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! They have all us all! We are gonna fucking die! They are gonna fucking rape us or eat us or something!_

The people are talking about skinning Nina. About scalping Tamara. About electrocuting Ema.

_No no no oh god no you can’t do that, please don’t hurt them please oh god don’t hurt them!_

You’ve seen movies like this.

_What am I going to do? What am I going to fucking do? Jesus fucking christ what am I going to do? I need to do something. Anything! But there’s so many!_

Now you were in one.

_FUCK FUCK FUCK! Please someone! Anyone! Help us! Don’t let us be their fucktoys! I don’t want to be a slave! I just want to see my mommy and daddy again!_

You could see it now. The real terror on their faces. The real fear in their eyes. And all you could think about is god fucking damn would it be nice if you could go to a castle right now instead.

_God Charlotte I am so sorry! If you were here this would have never of fucking happened!_

“I like this one.” They were going to Tamara. And she’s screaming, and he’s laughing, and you’re angry. Tamara is nice. Tamara is sweet. Tamara can’t handle this.

_NONONONONONO_

_What am I going to do? You can’t do that to Tamera! Please! Not her! Anyone but her! Do me!_

_But. Oh god am I really going to do this? Am I really going to fucking do this? Is this happening? Please somebody tell me this isn’t fucking happening! Please for the love of god tell me it’s not!_

“You want me!”

_Shut up! Shut up you stupid bitch shut up! Shut you’re fucking mouth just keep your head down and maybe they will kill you quickly or something I don’t know! Just shut up!_

Your words silence the room.

_Oh god what have I done, what have I fucking done oh my god they are going to all take turns gangraping me or something oh my god why did I say anything?_

Everyone is looking at you.

_Why did I say a fucking thing! My big fucking mouth! Oh no oh fuck no! This is the worst, please just kill me. Kill me for speaking up. Just say something damnit!_

Including the girl who kissed you.

_Oh god no it’s her I knew it was her I just fucking knew it was her! This is human trafficking ring! Or a sex cult or a torture club or something oh my god!_

“They’re cowards. Weak. they’ll break in no time. I’ll last longer than all of them put together. So unless you’re a spineless fuck who only goes after the fawn. Come get the buck you bunch of pussies.”

_Kill me kill me kill me kill me please kill me im not brave i’m just a coward trying to die quick can’t you see that? Oh let this be a nightmare please let this be a fucking nightmare!_

The girl who kissed you just smiles. “Fine. But they get to watch everything.”

_Please no._

_MOMMY! DADDY HELP! IT HURTS PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE KILL ME PLEASE_

The club has 27 members you learned. Normally the meat is spread out evenly between the 27 of them as it is collected. But the club has no desire to be disrespectful to your wishes.

So they oblige.

_Charlotte I'm sorry! I’m so fucking sorry I was so stupid I should never have done this stupid fucking trip with you you were my best friend and please Charlotte save us_

And you find yourself without words. 

You cry bloody tears as you stare at Tamara for comfort as you enter your 6th hour of whipping.

You plead for your parents when they realize all the things they can slip under your fingernails.

You beg for death when you feel them slip things under your skin for other club members to find like easter eggs.

_Charlotte will save me. She knows where we're heading. I just have to hold out until then. And she’ll call the cops and find where we were taken. Any day now it’ll happen._

You don’t know how long you last. You don’t know how long you were able to take it. But the other girls are there. And they try to comfort you as best as they can. Tamara even kisses you but you can’t feel your lips anymore.

You can’t feel much of anything anymore.

But that’s okay.

Because you can take it.

That’s who you are and who you have always been.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day no-

Any day n-

Any Day-

Any-

An-

-

Despite Everything. You’re Still You.

_I hate me._

How long does it last.

A month.

A year.

A century.

Tamara’s hair is down to her back now.

It looks nice.

You have no idea how you still have your eyes after they put the needles in them. 

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any day now.

Any Day-

And then Nina opens her fucking mouth.

_Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? Everything you told us about her was a lie? Charlotte was telling the truth?_

And you hear her say how Charlotte never slept with her boyfriend. Charlotte never did anything wrong.

_I said she betrayed Nina when she never did a thing. She tried to say she loved me._

And then you feel it.

_She was my best friend and she loved me and I threw it all a fucking way over Nina and now I am here in this fucking hellhole? Are you kidding me? THIS IS MY LIFE?_

You feel all the pain.

_I COULD HAVE BEEN ANYTHING! I COULD HAVE BEEN A HUMAN! I COULD HAVE BEEN A MODEL! AN EDITOR! A WRITER! A SINGER! AN ACROBAT!_

You feel it all.

_AND I THREW IT ALL AWAY BECAUSE THAT FUCKING CUNT LIED SO SHE COULD NOT LOOK LIKE SHE GOT DUMPED? I HATE HER! I HATE HER I HATE HER!_

Every knife.

Every shock.

Every whip.

Every needle.

Every flaying.

Every paddle.

Every rape.

Every humiliation.

Everything

EVERYTHINGEVERYTHINGEVERYTHINGEVERYTHINGEVERYTHINGIFEELEVERYTHINGOHGODITHURTSOMUCHPLEASEGODIMDYINGPLEASEGODKILLMEHATETHISSOMUCHPLEASEKILLMEPLEASEKILLMEIDESERVETODDIEITSTHEONLYTHINGIDESERVEINTHISWORLDFORWHATIDIDTOCHARLOTTEIBROKEHERHEARTSORIPMINEOUTYOUPUSSIES

_“Stop it! Please god stop it! Do them instead! Do her!”_

You don’t recognize your own voice, but it’s as loud as the voice of god.

_"No wait I take it back! Please don't do it! I’m sorry I didn’t mean it! I can take it please! No no no stop stop stop! Please don’t hurt them I’m the buck! Please!"_

The club is all too happy to comply.

_“I’m sorry okay! I’m sorry! Look it doesn't hurt at all! Torture me all night! Rape me if you want!! Just please oh please don’t hurt them oh god Nina I’m sorry!”_

You were right.

_“I’ll kill you motherfuckers! I’ll kill all you motherfucking bastards! I hate you! I swear to god I will fucking kill you if it’s the last thing I do on this fucking miserable planet!”_

They did break right away.

_“Tamara! Nina! Look at me okay? It’s going to be okay! It’s going to fucking be okay I swear to you! Just focus on my voice! Just look at me! Don’t look at the knife!”_

But then the girl who kissed your life away returns.

_“Please. Let them go. I’m still unbroken. Please. Just let them go. It’s all I want. Keep me for life, I don’t care. Just let them live.”_

And she kisses your life away again.

And you never see your friends again.

_“Where are you taking me? Please! Please let me go see them! Please! Nina! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry!”_

You were inside for so long, the sunlight feels like death. Your handlers are not scared of you running at all. They don’t cuff you, or threaten you. They just walk with you as if nothing is wrong whatsoever. When they hand you off it’s like your parents are just passing you off for custody and oh god do your parents even know you're alive.

_Mom, dad I did the most horrible thing in the world._

_I let them take Nina, Tamara and Ema._

_I let them take them oh my god what did I do._

Where the next people take you is not a place of torture, but a place of science. A child that has the voice of an adult is in charge as you are led down endless mazes and hallways you have no way of understanding. They pump drugs into you, test you. Repeat. But there’s no one to look at anymore.

Because you, you rotten bitch condemned your friends to death so you could not have to bear the torture anymore.

You rotten rotten bitch.

_Why did I say anything?_

_I could have taken it!_

_It had only been three years!_

_I could have lasted so much longer!_

_I could have!_

_Why!_

_Why!_

Somehow this is worse.

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

_I killed them._

There’s no acknowledgement.

No commonality.

No familiarity.

Nothing.

You are just an experiment.

Drugs pumped into you day in and day out.

They throw water they say is holy on you.

They put garlic in the food they give you.

You hear what they are doing and you can’t even believe it.

And then they stick needles into your eyes and into your brain and you cannot scream yourself to sleep at night hard enough.

_Mommy why didn’t you save me?_

_Daddy why didn’t you save me?_

_Charlotte why didn’t you save me?_

_You said you loved me._

_Why didn’t you love me?_

_Why did you love me?_

_Why would you love me?_

_Who could ever love me?_

You’re alone till you’re not.

_Please no._

_Please don’t let me near someone else._

_I’ll kill them._

_I’ll kill them like I do everyone._

_Please spare them from me._

_Please let this person live._

_Please._

You see a young girl in the tubes with you.

She’s young. Too young. Too soft and naive. She can see you crying. She can see you praying for god to kill you. She can see you. She can see you.

_Stay away from me little girl. You are not beyond saving like I am. Don’t fall into hell with me._

“Hey.” Her voice is soft. Her hair is pink, and her eyes are full of pain.

“I’m Elsa.” 

“ _I’m Millaarc._ ”

And you find your voice again. And you find your ability to talk again. You tell her your name. You tell her where you're from. You tell her about Charlotte, about your parents, about everything but Slovakia. She doesn't tell you about her family. She doesn't tell you much about anything from her past, but she does tell you that god loves all his children and he will certainly use his power to save you and her.

_I’ll kill the people who hurt you Elsa._

_I’ll kill your family._

_They think they can rape you?_

_They think they can hurt you?_

_They will know only hell from me._

"God is watching over us."

And she says that every night.

_God I wish I could hope like you can Elsa._

_I wish I could._

And you believe it every night.

_Did you say a prayer for me Elsa?_

_Please say you said one. I know I don’t deserve it but you make me feel alive and I love you so much please don’t die._

Then another comes.

_Oh please god don’t let them torture me again._

You think it’s just a body, but no, it’s a person. And just like you she has been opened up. She has been taken apart. But unlike you, and unlike Elsa, she gives you comfort. Not from the words of god, but from the words of a sister. And her cold mechanical body is so nice and lovingly fucking warm and for once in this horrible horrible fucking time you can say somebody actually gives a fucking shit about you.

_Please Vannessa just hold me again and tell me everything is going to be okay._

_Please just hold me and kiss me and tell me I don’t deserve to burn in hell._

She tells you it’s going to be okay and you believe her.

Even when it’s not okay.

Especially when it’s not okay.

_Oh my god is everything actually going to be okay?_

Suddenly there’s explosions.

Suddenly you can be free.

_“We’re getting out of here! Come on! Just let me handle anyone who gets in our way! I’ll take em on, I’ll take em all on!”_

Big sis is leading the way. Big sis is beautiful and you love her and you have no idea in what way and in what way you love Elsa but you love them both because they are the only ones who are keeping your heart beating because you know and Tamara, Nina and Ema can back this up that you do not deserve to be loved but Elsa and Big sis love you anyway so no matter what you are going to do whatever you can to protect them.

_I love you both._

_I love you both so much._

When you run into a guard, you kill him. When you run into someone else, you kill him too. You don’t care. You can’t care. They wanna hurt Elsa. They wanna hurt big sis. So you’ll kill them. You’ll kill anyone. You’ll kill everyone. No one is going to hurt you.

Not while I’m around.

And then you meet the devil.

_So you have come for my soul have you?_

And you see how many people are there. And you know you can kill them all. But then you realize the devil is offering you a deal for Elsa and Big sis’s lives.

That they can live again.

That their souls can be saved and they can be given a second chance to to not be monsters. So you enter into a bargain with the devil, and he gives you blood and tells you songs can’t save the world.

_Couldn’t just drag me down to hell like I deserve huh? I have to jump through hoops to save the only people in the world who are worth a damn?_

_You really are the fucking devil._

And you know for a fact that nothing can save this world. This world doesn't deserve to be fucking saved.

And nothing can save you.

Because you don’t deserve to be saved.

But Elsa and Big sis do.

_I’ll do whatever it takes._

_I’ll do whatever it fucking takes to save you._

_I’ll be the monster._

_I’ll be the devil._

_I will do anything._

_I will do everything._

_The devil won’t have you._

Your black heart breaks when you see the glee in Elsa’s eyes when she starts talking about the concert. About how proud of herself she is that she has planned it out for maximum casualties. And you know then that you will insist on doing this part of the plan. Because you cannot stand for Elsa and Big sis’s hearts to become as black as yours. Because you cannot stand to think of them becoming like you. So you will sin for them. You will sacrifice your heart to darkness to keep theirs in the light. So that they may still be redeemed, while you bathe in the blood that would otherwise be on their hands. You’ll hate yourself, and you’ll know that you deserve to die.

But that’s okay.

Because you can take it.

You would be the bitch.

Because that’s who you are and who you have always been.

You felt bad then.

You still do.

But even as you stand over a concert full of people that are happy as can be, knowing that you are about to murder thousands. Adults and children alike, and you will do it with a smile on your face and you will pull it off perfectly. And you'll scream yourself to sleep at night and beg for god to send you into the fiery pits of hell, and you’ll wonder if Charlotte or your parents ever got to looking for you.

And then you’ll think of Elsa and Big sis. 

And you know. 

You can take it.

Because. 

“ _Tremble!”_ You, Millaarc Cranstoun say to thousands. “ _I_ _’m here!”_

Despite everything. You’re still you.

I hate me.

**Author's Note:**

> Millaarc has always been one of the most interesting characters in the canon to me. Decided to do this little character study as a means of challenging myself with POV's I normally never write. This was really rough to write, but one that I am very glad to have done. Originally written as part of a prompt challenge, I've adapted it slightly.


End file.
